-
Today I feel: Totally devistated.
Music of the moment: The cure - Maybe someday.
Well, I just failed both my midterms. I got a 26 out of 50 on my Anthro midterm, and a 56 out of 100 on the Bio midterm. Damn. I have one, just one opportunity to fix my horrible start, and im gonna take it and latch on with a vengeance. I know I shouldn't have done as badly as I did, I know, but oh well, I WILL change this.
For some twacked out reason, my non single friends seem to have this brilliant idea lately that I should meet this boy or other, maybe get something started. I had to beg my friend Holly not to try and set me up on a blind date. Too many horror stories read, I don't want to be one myself. I suppose, given no other option, I could just whip out the walkman and do "my nightly German lesson" but hey, thats just wrong.
I did agree to do a meeting tho. My other friend, Shan, and her BF designed to have me meet one of his best friends, whom Shan said I would totally click with. I have my doubts, but since its just an outing pretty much, im not worried. If he hates me, he's more than welcome to just ignore me, and im free to do the same.
I was supposed to meet him this friday at her BF(Dylan)s birthday party, but with work constraints and transportation issues, its so not gonna happen. So Shan and Dylan have decided that they are gonna kidnap me next friday, if not sooner, and we'll all go do something then. From what Shan was telling me, he does sound pretty spifty. So, well, who knows what will happen, ya know?
I finally finished The Bell Jar. I should not have read that book. Let me say that again, I should not have read that book. It depressed me to the point where I was actually looking at things and comparing and contrasting them to how quick/painless the thing/place/whatever would be if I chose to use it to off myself. I blame this not on the book, that would just be stupid. My brain just shouldn't have been trolling down that destructive alleyway. It got to the point where I was up on top of a certain college campus one night, with some friends, and I looked over the edge, and thought on how I could die if I just "Fell" off.
One edge in particular took my interest because of what was below it. There was a concrete wall to the left of the path below the edge of the roof, and I stood there thinking to myself " If I just sat here, folded my arms around my shoulders hard enough to not let go in time, and folded my legs under me so I couldn't hold on with those either, I could just fall backwards, likely hit that wall with my head, and be dead of a broken neck or skull by the time the rest of my body caught up with me." I don't like these thoughts. I would never go through with it, (I think) and the thought that im calculating this is sad. Its been a few days since that particular thought, and Im over it. I returned The Bell Jar, I will never touch that book again. I still like Sylvia Plath very much, but I think I wont read her poetry for a good time yet. Im even beginning to think I didn't fully understand it till now.
Had a "morning walk" with Hans today. We talked about the role playing situation. It was nice to walk and wake up and just listen for once, cause he had a lot to say. I think that is the first time I ever just talked with Hans. It was interesting.
