2002-01-21 - 12:32 a.m.
Today I feel: Hungry
Well, this is the first time I've tried this. I have this horrible luck with keeping up journals, as in I never do. I recently tried keeping one in this really frou frou notebook, worked ok. I started out writing at least a page every day, then it dwindled to once a week, and now im just not opening it at all. Oh well, it happens.
I just started this last term of my third year of college. So far, really good. I enjoy my teachers, lending to my theory that I will in turn, like my classes. Still have one to scope out, tho, psychology. Its a distance education course, so I only have to show up once a month. Gravy.
Well, here I am, once again trying to kill time. My Bio lab got out uber early, and my psych intro class doesn't start till 5pm. its 2:37 now. Yep, means I've got lots of boredom points to accumulate. I find my mind wandering once again to Lee. Damnit. For any of you who are reading this, Hello, and Lee is one of my ex boyfriends, his choice not mine, who I am still hung up on. I took a sabbatical after he dumped me, (read I ran away like a rabbit being chased by dogs) and met Dan. Dan is the EVIL newest ex. Im sure the feeling is mutual. So, a year and a half later, Lee shows back up in my life. Just in time for me to be single and still kinda depressed again. I had just started to get over him! I repeat, Damnit.
As much as I would want him to be mine again, Im just happy that he's around. When he came back, so did parts of me that I thought had died and gone away. It feels....well, lets just say that I can feel again. Spending a year and a half of your life being numb is not a great way to get along. At least I can say that I do feel now. And it sucks. I cried, really cried for the first time in too long last month. And I don't mean a tear here, a tear there, Im talking rivers running from my eyes and screams forcing their way past my lips and into the ears of my neighbors. Best hour I've spent in a while. Scream outloud for me people, my eeyore cloud is going away!
But so yeah, Im sitting here in the Chabot College library computer lab, and I'm thinking about Lee. He semi-recently cut his hair, and it looks really good. I loved his hair, ass length black hair, absolutely gorgeous. I cried when he cut it. Now, its a WAY shorter layered cut, about neck length, in his natural light brown color. He is way handsome, almost more so now. His face makes...well, never mind. Im just surprized I haven't had a heart attack yet. Im overdue. Nothing will happen, we are over. A mutual friend keeps trying "Not to get my hopes up." Riiight. He won't. I know this, and its why I can be ok about everything considering that faction of life. Lee's little brother Shane had his question fulfilled when I answered the unasked question of why I dissapeared totally gravy with me. It at least was done with good intention...towards himself. His little sister Tiara and I are major gravy. I think she just likes having an "Older Sister" figure in her life. I love her too, she's a really great little kid. Boodles of love to her. I miss what I had with him and them.
Our relationship started out as a "we saw each other and that was it" type thing. After he finally asked me out, he proceeded to spend the next 2 or so weeks sleeping upright on my couch so he could sleep near me. I was usually curled up with my head on his leg, made a fabu pillow. His parents jokingly complained that he might as well move in with me. I wish he had. Finally, I had had enough with the couch, and told him I was going to sleep in my room, and he could either come with me, or sleep where he was. He came. We hadn't even kissed yet. And no, we weren't having sex. We just slept, thats all. Blissful times and a few fights filled our time together. We finally kissed by our 3rd month, had sex, both our first times, in the 8th month, and broke up in the 12th month,28 days from the year anniversary. I went to Dan immediately. He was a rebound turned relationship. Don't ever do that, it never works out. We had a year together, Dan and I, worst year of my life.
So here I am, single for the first time in 2 years. Im finally on my way to becoming my own person, and Lee shows back up. My world comes crashing down. Of course I jump up and down excitedly, celebrating the end of my peace of mind, cause Im going for coffee with Lee. And it only gets worse from there. I quit drinking for him, pretty much anyway...I don't like the dog pee taste you get in the morning, and I've tried to be happier and stuff. He likes it when Im happy, cause he says it makes him happy, plus he likes the way my eyes smile with me. So Im trying, no big deal, so what if im still yelling at my heart to shut up and my brain is telling me "I told you so" constantly. I am woman, I can deal with it. A mantra I try to keep to. The other one is: Lee doesn't exist, no more thinking about a Lee who doesn't exist. Im not having any luck with that one. Sigh.
Well, Im hopping down off the soapbox now. I have to go do something to make me forget how hungry I am, cause in addition to being love sick, Im also Dead BROKE. Yo no tengo dinero. Tres sad.
Till next time
