03.10.04 - 12:17
Today I feel: wrung out, tired and very very sad
Music of the moment: Tori amos - way down
Something: I was talking to a girl that I have in two of my classes this morning, and she said that if I hadn't said anything, she would have never known something had happened. Yay for acting
So here i am, on my first full day of official singlehood. I feel like crap, and I just want to cry every time I think of something related to waylon. Unfortunately, I don't have the option of sitting down and crying while feeling sorry for myself. I have to be on the move, not cry until I get home, and feel sorry for myself in my few spare moments.
So, yeah I suppose I am adjusting well considering. Im used to this, and so I know what I need to do to get myself to where I want to be. As hurt and heart sore as I am at the moment, I cannot allow myself to get off goal. I'd be defeating myself if I just laid down and died right now. Not that it doesn't sound like an absolutely fabulous idea, or anything.
Mom of course has reverted to making him sound like shit in attempt to help me. I told her that I wasn't ready to hear how he was a selfish, conceited shmuck, who, by the way, didn't really love me. I appreciated her help, but I am just not ready for it yet. She also thinks his reason for dumping me was bull shit. She thinks its something else, and that he is lying to me for some reason. Im not ready for that one either.
And today, I am hurt and angry. I don't think that he actually really loved me, because he would figure out how to make it work if he did. And that "realization" hurts most of all. I loved him, if I wanted to think about it, probably love him still, but I don't think he really loved me. And that hurts me to the core, but it also makes me angry, very angry. As if it were right for me to put in the time, energy and money into trying to make this relationship work,and he didn't feel he needed to do the same, he just decided to end it when he couldn't get by anymore. And so that is fine. He told me he couldn't be in a relationship "right now", well, you know what buddy, now its "not ever". Hopefully I wont have to eat my words, but I am determined to just let it lie, and not re-date him. Thats right folks, I am gonna try like hell to take my own advice, and not go back to him.
And its hard. If he were to come to me today and tell me it was all a big mistake, I don't know if I could tell him no, but a big part of me says that I could say no, but I would hate it. And I do. But he's not coming back, and I won't get a chance to test my theory.
He loves me, and respects me he said, I think he does not. Thats what I am gonna stick to. wish me luck or pray for me, it only is gonna get worse from here.
