2002-01-31 - 4:41 a.m.
Today I feel: Happy
Well, Im sitting here killing time before my first Psychology class meeting, and I decided to record the stuff thats been running through my head all day. Lucky you.
I called Lee today, We're going out for coffee after my class meeting, and we're supposed to make my VDA character. So hey, it does let him off the hook for Friday, although Im hoping that he'll still want to do something then, not likely, but I can hope. I feel good today, and I'd like him to see me feeling good more often, he says it makes him happy. And hey, if he's happy, it makes me happy, which makes him happy, and so on. Sickening I know, but hey, its all gravy.
Im wondering how this Psychology class of mine is gonna work out. Its a distance education course, so I only have to show up once a month or so, we'll see. I have to scratch up some money to rent the video tapes for the class, cause I seriously doubt that I'll be able to watch the tv program. Its prolly on at either 4 am or during another class or work. like I need to buy more things for school.
Its official, I am adorable. Damnit. I can't seem to break Jose of this thought. Like I said either last night or this morning, I want someone to say I'm beautiful. Cute and adorable are good on occasion, but I hear it so much that Im beginning to feel like a little doll. I want someone to say, "You are beautiful to me" not, "oh, you are so cute!". Damn my mad girlie charm skillz.
I got to play DDR today. I walked my fat ass over to the mall, only a 10 minute walk, and down to the arcade. Played two games, walked my happy and sweaty ass back to school. Passed Dan's car on the way there and back. Never wanted an egg so badly as then. I could see it now, he walks out at the end of his shift, provided no one disturbs the egg, and finds an egg on his hood. Weird, but hilarious to me. Or, I could have just egged his windows, that would have been just as good. :) He is such an asshole. But so yeah, I played ddr today, had mucho fun, and now Im happy cause Im gonna get to see Lee tonight. Now if I can just talk him into food, we're all great!
I wish I hadn't put this damn sad (read depressing) Chris Issac song on my tape. "Blue Spanish Sky" is hella pretty, but its so damn sad. Dan wanted me to download it, and I did, just didn't realise the lyrics until I put it on tape. It puts the other songs into perspective. "On your way down" by Stabbing Westward is another he told me to download. "I hope you choke on your way down..." is just one of the yummy lyrics to that one. "The one I love has left and gone, without me/I only wish I could make you cry like I do." Is the saddest line from blue spanish sky. Makes me wonder what message he was sending with "you aint seen nothing yet" a song by someone I've never heard of. But I made up for my putting that damn sad song on by putting blu cantrell's "oops" right after. Got the mans view, and finished up with blu cantrells womans view. Makes me feel better. Dan can go to hell, and if Im a good little villainess, maybe I'll get to send him there.
I should have broken up with him after I found out that he was disgusted with my appearance. That was my first mistake. I mean, why the hell should I have stayed with a guy who was twice my width, and had the nerve to call me overweight and butch. Rhetoric, don't answer that. My second mistake wasn't cheating on him, nope, as bad as that was, it wasn't my second mistake. My second mistake was telling Amanda about it. I should never have said anything to anyone about it. Especially not her, as closely connected to him as she was, his good friend being her boyfriend. I wish I had just asked him to come down after work that day, and I wish I had told him right there that it was over. I am tired of letting men break my heart. I am so over letting that happen. Lee broke my heart, so I ran to Dan. Dan broke my heart, so I ran to Jason. If any hearts got broken there, it was I who broke his. I feel kinda bad about that, but I never felt anything real for him. oh well, next topic...
I LOVE this new mandy moore song. I HATE her, but her song, "Only hope" I love. Its so sad, but so great at the same time, and made me cry at first, because its exactly how I feel about Lee. Especially the "I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands to pray, to be only yours, I pray to be only yours, I pray to be only yours, I know now, you're my only hope". Sad, but it helps to have that physical embodiment of my feeling. Damn, gotta stop writing this, im getting sad again.
Till next time, wish me luck.
